How To: Mzoli's Meat

Posted by Joel's secretary at 3 Mar 2008
Categories: How To


Come correct.  You probably just left church, so hike your skirt up a few inches.  Undo a couple of buttons.  Trade the penny loafs for the gold patent leather kicks with neon laces. Your sunglasses should have brightly colored plastic frames and dark, dark lenses.  At least a few things on your body should be shiny.  Your earrings might involve feathers.

Cover your tracks. As in, if you haven't got your hair did in a while, wear a hat.

Don't bring your camera.  This is the townships and you are probably white and a little bit scared.

Also, starting on Wednesday, if you hear a good song on the radio you should bite your lip and do a little two step and say something like "Oh, they're gonna be dancing to this at Mzoli's on Sunday."

Provisions can be bought from cars-cum-convenience-stores parked on the street:  hot pap (which is similar to mashed potatoes, but made of cornmeal), a loaf of white bread (not for eating), paper folding fans.  Cooldrinks can be purchased from the fridge in the house next to the braai(Black Label if you're one of the people, Vindhoek if you have something to prove).

If there isn't an empty table under the patio (there won't be) you need to find one and set it up by the street.  You must cover it with faded vinyl SoCo tablecloths.  Forget that chairs ever existed.  You might be able to rustle up an umbrella.

First you buy your Meat from the butcher.  Then you give it to the guys working the braai.  Then you wait.  They will call your number when the meat is ready, but there is no way you'll ever hear them.  In the meantime, there will be music and dancing.  The DJ will play popular American rap music so that while you dance you can talk about selling out and cultural imperialism and how, like, every single white person likes Mos Def.  There will be an impromptu car show on the street.  There will be a buckie backed up to the patio on which local hip-hop acts will perform and peddle their cd's.  They will be pretty good, but you will be hungry.

A few hours later your ankles will hurt and your Meat will be ready.  It will be loaded onto a large platter, steaks in the middle, chicken wings around the outside, and big vulgar spiral of sausages on top. You will carry it from the braai to your table, fending off grabby stranger hands on the way.  

Everyone will dig in.

Absolutely NO SILVERWARE is to be used.  You will rip and tear with wild abandon.  Eat like an animal.  Ravage the Meat.  When the stress makes your teeth jostle loosely in their sockets take a big hunk of pap in your fingers, dip it in the Meat juice, and suck on it for a hot minute.  Don't take your canines for granted.  You will feel like a savage, but certainly not in a way that exoticizes or essentializes the locals.  Your liberal arts education would not allow that.

After the Meat happens (which will take about three minutes) you will fall into a daze.  Let the cruising lowriders hypnotize you as they creep past.  You will be happy and tired and still a little sticky, even though you have wiped your face and fingers with slices of white bread.  You will not stop the dusty children from snatching scraps from your empty platter.  You will not kick at them as they sit under your table, sucking on chicken bones and tapping their shoeless feet on yours to the rhythm of the music.  You will leave happy, and still full, three  hours later.

 

also, I stole all these photos (see paragraph three).  Thank you, The Internet.
    
 

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